MATT'S POV THE BADGE
by RBHDPSMMK4EVER
Summary: This is a short Fan Fiction that came into being because of comments made by reviewers of, "Sam's Reflections". It is Matt's POV about the time Kitty put the Long Branch up for sale and left Dodge supposedly for good. He does a little reflecting and let's readers into thoughts and feelings you are not usually privy to from the big Marshal.
1. Chapter 1

After I had posted "Sam's Reflections" some readers were upset that Matt's POV wasn't really shared. That gave me the idea to add Matt's thoughts and feelings about what happened between Kitty and himself in "The Badge". So here it is. I had so much help making this just perfect, in my opinion. So many thanks in alphabetical order to: Ms. A's, (both of them) Uncle Dubs, M, Sharon, and Wanda. You are the best associates ever. You all helped to make this so much better. BTW Kitty was not to be denied, she will have her say in the second part of this Fan Fiction. ENJOY!

MATT'S POINT OF VIEW: THE BADGE

"I won't ask Doc! I will not ask Doc!" I told myself. The problem was I just couldn't help myself. Where was she? Every time I've been hurt when I awoke there she was waiting. Her soft hands would be rubbing my brow or holding my hand. Every time I looked into her beautiful blue eyes, they were filled with all its concern for me and only me. Something was very wrong, but I didn't quite know what is was now. Doc would know but if it was bad, I was not in any condition or mood for a lecture.

There were so many things I could not talk about. No one understood the split-second decisions I have to make as I reach for my gun. There was no way to explain that piercing feeling as a bullet enters my skin. No one knew about the thought rushing through my brain as my big body falls to the ground, 'Would this be the final time I opened my eyes?' I never let anyone realize the last thing I ever saw whenever I lost consciousness was Kitty's beautiful face in front of me.

Kitty (Kathleen) Russell, is the woman I tried so hard not to love, but she crept under my skin and into my heart and life. Oh, she can be a handful, but it has never been dull. There is nothing like that special look she has just for me when I walk through those batwing doors. When I am away thoughts of her haunt me and console me. Yet, as much as I would have loved to spend a lifetime with her every time I considered it, the specter of my mother and her horrible grieving after my father's early death kept me from making that commitment.

Where was she? Could she be ill? No, she' s rarely ill and even that wouldn't have kept her away. Just when I was so sure I wouldn't ask, the words tumbled out of my mouth as Doc took my food tray away. "What's that pounding across the street?"

The old man tried to pretend he didn't know what was going on but we both knew he was trying to avoid answering. When I persisted, he finally replied, "Kitty is leaving town, the Long Branch is up for sale. There is a rumor she has a one-way ticket, but no one knows to where."

I had a lot of experience putting on my poker face, so no one knew just exactly what I was thinking. So, of course he didn't realize I felt like my heart was being ripped right out of my body. Oh, she had gotten angry before, left town swearing she didn't want to see me or my badge again. Thankfully she always came back, but she had never put the saloon up for sale. She had worked so hard to acquire that saloon. Why would she just walk away from there? It had to be something more happening.

Five days, five days since the shooting and not so much as a message. At first, I had tried to make excuses for her absences but now I had to face the painful truth. Kitty probably was not coming back this time. I'm truly afraid she doesn't ever want to see me again.

I felt like I was suffocating and all I wanted to do was be left alone. That was not going to happen as Doc faced me with some awful truths. Didn't he realize that this news was devastating me? That because of my job I had not made her my wife out of fear for her safety. There could be no nice home, babies of our own, no happily ever after for Matt Dillon and Kitty Russell.

Doc was not to be stopped and I knew the physician loved the redhead like his own daughter. He could not stand to see her hurting so badly. When he told me, "do you know how many times she has stood there and watched me cut you open and sew you back up? Eleven times, eleven times in fifteen years and each time she died a little inside."

He was trying to convince me to turn in the badge hoping Kitty and I could make a normal life for ourselves. He was the only person who suspected just how deep our love was for one another. Oh, how many times we have argued about out future, but Doc didn't know that. So, I had let him go on because I knew how much pain the good doctor was in at the thought of losing Kitty.

My mind was whirling. Was there a way to stop her? Would she even listen to me? Festus, Newly, Sam, and Doc were all over at the Long Branch to say goodbye. Normally if either of us had been leaving town the night before we couldn't get enough of making love, just holding each other, whispering words in case there was no tomorrow. When we finally arrived home safely, we couldn't wait to be alone to rejoice in being together once again.

I heard the sound of the stagecoach arrive. Lying there, in Doc's backroom, I waited with a heavy heart for the sound of the stagecoach leaving. What I heard next was a knock on the bedroom door. At last in walked Kitty. I wanted to do nothing more than to pull her down beside me. I wanted to plead with her, 'Please stay, don't leave me'. That is what I wanted to say. She stood there in her traveling outfit not coming close, standing rigid, trying to explain but having no words to make it better. I saw the moisture in her eyes. Kitty was tough, a survivor, and we both knew if she started to cry, she would not leave. Yet she needed to leave under the circumstances. As difficult as it was, she had still wanted me to know she wasn't leaving because she didn't love me. I wondered if she realized I was letting her go because of how much _**I**_ loved _**her?**_

How many times had I swallowed hard in these few minutes? I just couldn't give in to what I really wanted, for her to never leave me, as much as I might want to.

I knew I had to stay alive. Despite the physical pain I suffer in this job, the long rides in the saddle, the killings, knowing I was coming home to her always made me push myself harder. I had tried to keep myself safer for her sake and mine. When I rode into Dodge, I automatically looked at the Long Branch. Maybe she would be on the porch watching for me. Just a glimpse of her made it all worthwhile. Usually I hurried to get cleaned up first, but once in a while the need was so great, I greeted her with the scruffy look she seemed to like too.

In the beginning I thought we were inconspicuous, but I eventually came to realize we were probably the worst kept secret in Kansas. Kitty and I hadn't really discussed it, but we still tried to be discreet. It was becoming evident though if you noticed the way we looked at each other, the seemingly accidental touching, and the way her face lit up when I walked in the door, that we were more than just friends.

A little painfully I pulled myself up out of the bed and slowly walked to the window overlooking the main street. The stagecoach driver was so solicitous of her treating her like a porcelain doll. Almost everyone in Dodge cared about the redhead with the white skin and breathtakingly blue eyes. Her goodness and helpfulness were well known. What they didn't understand at that moment, was that I was standing watching her be driven away; a giant of a man whose heart was breaking.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO: OUR BEGINNING

The day I met Kitty Russell everything changed in my life. Oh, she was a beauty, with her hair as brilliant as a sunset, blue eyes that pulled you deep into their depths, milky white skin any man would love to touch, and a curvy figure that was ripe for exploring. It was evident she was under the protection of Doc and not just anyone would be given the opportunity to get to know her.

Chester, who worked as my assistant, was the one who insisted I had to meet the latest saloon girl Bill Pence had hired. I hesitated knowing Chester often had his head turned by an attractive girl. When Doc started singing her praises, I paid more attention. As I finally decided to go to the Long Branch to check out this beauty I was called out of town. By the time I got back the town was buzzing with Chester's latest flame.

Once I arrived back Chester was positively giddy. Miss Kitty, he told me was quite a woman. There was no turning back I had to look over this treasure. By the time I had caught up with my backlog of work it was dusk, and Chester and Doc came clattering through the jailhouse door and they were not taking NO for an answer.

The physician announced, "we are going to Delmonico's for supper and then to the Long Branch for a nice cold beer. Then we can introduce you to the prettiest girl in Dodge."

I started to open my mouth, but he wasn't having any of that. I explained to the good doctor. "I was going to say that I can't wait to meet any woman you and Chester could agree upon."

Chester immediately was going to defend his position, but I cut him off partly to shut them both up, and because I was hungry. I had never seen Chester eat so fast and I began to wonder if he was seriously in love. Doc however was just dawdling over his coffee. I thought my assistant was ready to burst when we finally pushed back our chairs.

It looked like it was lively in the Long Branch with music pouring out the doors, loud voices, laughter, and cowboys in and out. As we pushed through the batwing doors the bar area was packed with cowboys in with a month's pay The girls dressed in colorful short skirted dresses were flirting with the men. One couple was on their way upstairs. A girl I had spent some time with had a big smile welcoming me back. That smile faded when I said hello and went to a table on the other side of the room.

As I looked around, I turned to Chester and said, "I don't see any new girl."

The younger man replied, "I cant imagine where she is Mr. Dillon, Ah tol her we was comin' in ta night."

Just at that moment I saw long, long, legs, a beautiful body wearing a satin gold and black stripped dress come walking slowly down the staircase. I decided right then they were right she was beautiful.

A couple men whistled but she ignored them and headed for our table. As she moved closer I realized I had seen her before. It was at the café having breakfast just before I left on my latest trip. She certainly made an impression, but I thought she was just passing through Dodge. As a rule I tried to be friendly and welcoming to newcomers so why did I feel so shy.

I didn't have to worry about her thinking I was unfriendly because Chester and Doc kept up a running dialogue. She did look at me a couple times but didn't say much to me either. It would be a while, but I did find out why later. Little did I know I had been the topic of conversations among the Long Branch girls. One young lady had warned Kitty to keep her hands off me.

…..

We continued to see each other mostly when Doc and Chester were around. Chester thought Miss Kitty was wonderful but after observing her she seemed a little too high powered for my helper. I would have never told him that as he was so sensitive and didn't have great luck with women anyway. Like any young healthy man I had my . needs and I visited with the girls at the Long Branch. At that time I had been seeing one named Lucy more than the others.

I had made no promises to anyone and was quite surprised there was any trouble over my attentions to Kitty. Although I wasn't sure why, at the time, I had not approached the young redhead. When the ladies almost came to fisticuffs, I let Lucy know I didn't belong to anyone. Shortly after she married an older man and left the saloon.

Things did not really heat up between myself and Kitty until I had a confrontation with an old friend. I ended up having to kill him in a shootout. That was a horrible time for me. Kitty was so kind and solicitous. I needed to talk to someone who wasn't Doc or Chester. I remember she listened really listened to me as I poured out my story and explained how badly I felt.

Suddenly all I started to think of was her soft arm against mine, the look of concern in those blue eyes, and how gently she held my hand. Then all I wanted to do was hold her, touch her shiny silken locks, and kiss those ruby red lips. Once she allowed me to do that I never wanted to let her go. Later I wondered if she heard how hard my heart was beating, or felt how my arms were shaking?

After that for a while I pulled away from her; afraid of my own feelings. I had been down this road before. Then one hot summer night, when I was doing rounds, I found her sitting on the back steps and her top was unbuttoned. In the moonlight her hair was like molten gold. I couldn't keep my eyes off her full breasts, and she knew I was looking. I just knew she took that deep breath on purpose.

Looking at me square in the eye she said softly, "is there something you see that you like Cowboy?"

That was all in incentive I needed. I told her, "Miss Russell, if you don't invite me upstairs right now, I will have to carry you there."

Trying to look innocent she replied and held out her hand, "well I wouldn't want to leave you in need Marshal."

And so our Love Affair began. It started with passion and ended with a different kind of passion.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE: THE END OF A DREAM

_Thanks wo much to everyone who has read and reviewed Matt's POV: The Badge. I appreciate it very much._

People always think of me as the big strong marshal and in terms of my job I am but where Kitty is concerned, she is my Achilles heel. She is also the person who can get me to do things I really don't want to do. As I watched her ride away there was a pain in my chest that felt like it is was suffocating me. Inside is the battle to go after her and beg her to stay mixed with the feeling that if she is away from me and Dodge she will be safe.

Safe, my beautiful, loving, caring, Kitty away from the darkness, evil, and danger that swirls around me. Away from those, knowing she is my woman, could use her to get to me and my authority. Of course, they cannot know how much I love her, that she keeps me going from to day to day, and she is the smartest woman I have ever known. The only person who might know that is Doc.

Doc Adams is the man who has saved my life over and over. This talented, caring, medicine man has seen me under the worst and best of circumstances. He has observed me in the throes of pain and fever calling out for Kitty's touch, praying she is kept safe. Deep down I know that is part of the reason he can find no real excuse for my letting this incredible woman leave.

What he did not see was a ten- year- old boy, taller than some grown men, die day by day after the brutal and senseless death of my father; a Texas Ranger. My mother tried to hide her tears, but I could see that she barely ate and sleep. Eventually it wore her down and then after a hard winter the pneumonia took her life. After surviving those losses and being mentored by Adam Kimbro about not leaving behind a widow and children, I couldn't do that to Kitty.

Did I want her to be my wife and to have family with her? Of course I did but we had both made our choices and while we had battles about that subject I hoped and spent countless nights praying it would be enough. Now I must suffer in silence as the woman who was my rock couldn't stand it anymore and left. I knew I had to put on a brave face but I was slowly dying inside.

A sullen Doc released me a few days later. He claimed he didn't know where Kitty was going but I wondered if he would tell me if I asked. I went back to my office and tried to tackle all the paperwork that faced me. I couldn't concentrate and I paced the jail.

Finally, I would go outside and walk down to the Long Branch, but I couldn't go in because there was no beautiful redhead there to give me that special smile.

I missed her and she had gone before, but this time it seemed so final with the Long Branch up for sale. Nothing seemed the same, everything seemed off kilter. I missed her laugh, her voice, her touch, everything. She was a part of me as no woman had ever been. She touched a part of me that had felt frozen for a long time. When she crawled into my heart it was forever. There would never be another Kathleen Russell and I just felt numb.

Just when I had about given up hope an article appeared in an out of town paper that Miss Russell had moved to Ballard, Kansas. I had not intended to do anything, but knowing she was safe was enough. Of course in the back of my mind I was trying to figure out how I could do some business in that area.

From the grumbling I heard I think I was rather grumpy. I tried to pass it off as it was taking longer to recover from my injury this time. I saw Doc, Festus, and Newly exchange looks so I am pretty sure they found this hard to believe. Every time I closed my eyes I saw her beautiful face. I had so many sleepless nights and was not able to concentrate on my work. Finally I bit the bullet, packed some things, saddled Buck, and went to the Long Branch where they were assembled to tell them I had to leave town on business.

I think I left Festus in charge but sometimes that was hard to tell. At least Newly was there to pick up the slack. Once I was on my way it seemed to take forever to get to Ballard. I ran into a bad storm, then a family from Ohio had broken down and I stayed to fix that. In the beginning I planned to ride right through but with the weather so unpredictable I decided to stay at a way station overnight.

With one thing and another the muddy roads, fallen trees, and stopping to give Buck some rest it was later than I thought when I got to Ballard. As I tied up my horse I was nervous Kitty might cause a scene; she had been known to do that. I swallowed hard, took a deep breath and walked into the saloon. There she was talking to a blond at the bar. My heart almost stopped beating I was so glad to see her.

She wasn't so thrilled to see me I can tell you that. I saw her look over her shoulder as I came through the swinging doors and turning away stiffening her back. Her first words were, "What are you doin' here Matt?"

I made the excuse that I had business down South of there."

"Just passin' through?" she wanted to know.

I told her "something like that."

Kitty reluctantly introduced me to her friend Claire Hollis. I asked if the girls were doing alright that she had chosen a pretty rough town. Of course, Kitty assured me that she was handling everything just fine. Within minutes trouble occurred and I unfortunately got into the middle of it. I knew I was only making things worse so I left to look for a place to stay. Oh, how I wish it was with Kitty, but she wasn't in the mood for an evening with me.

By the next day the man who ran Ballard, called Papa Steiffer, had me in jail and charged with attacking a young girl. Later I found out Kitty had gone to him and given in to his demands to get me set free. I then made what was my next mistake I went to see Kitty with a burr between my teeth. I was lucky she agreed to see me in her room. I know Claire was curious because she watched me all the way up the stairs.

At first she didn't want to look at me and I knew that was a bad sign but I made it worse by asking, "Why did you do it? Why did you sell out to Steiffer? I had him right where I wanted him." I had planned to be calm and cool and forgot all about it when I saw her belligerent attitude toward me.

She asked me if I didn't have somewhere else to be. I told her I did but I wasn't leaving. Then she really blew up saying, "Matt I want you to leave this town. I didn't come all this way down here to see you lying in the street with a bullet in you." She didn't realize her words were like bullets.

All I wanted to do was wrap her in my arms and kiss her until she promised to come back to Dodge, yet she could make me so mad. I had to get a new way to get her to understand me. To get her to understand why I do what I do. So I asked her, "did you ever water a drink, roll a drunk, or run a crooked table?"

Of course, she was indignant. Kitty said that she hadn't ever done it. I should know she was proud of what she stood for and with those words I hoped she understood why my job was done the way I did it. It took every bit of my resolve to walk away when all I wanted was her back in my life and arms.

She can be the stubbornest woman I have ever known. It was time to leave Ballard, let her cool down, and maybe try again later if she didn't come to her senses. It was hard to take breaths as I walked down the steps and out the doors to saddle Buck. More than anything I wanted to pick her up, carry her off back to Dodge, and never let her go.

Deep inside I knew not much would change if she came home because I had my duties deeply ingrained in me. That sense of justice would not let me go. Maybe it was time, although it might kill me, to give up the dream that someday Kitty and I could have a life together out in the open for all to see.

Outside, waiting for me was Papa Steiffer, I sensed a trap but had to play it through to see what he had in mind. I didn't know Kitty had followed me outside until she shouted, "Matt! The balcony!" I turned, shot, and brought the man down. The sheriff came and took Steiffer away. Once again the coward let others do his dirty work.

We looked at each other and it seemed like forever, but she never took one step toward me. I knew I had just almost proved her point again and was sure I had lost her forever. I saddled up and took the longest trip back to Dodge I had ever ridden. My last sight of Kitty rode with me all the way. I felt as I had when I lost my mother, bereft and as if my world would never be the same.

In my dreams I saw that look as she stood on that boardwalk, having saved my life. I was sure her eyes were glistening with tears. I was the one who finally broke our eye contact and I still don't know how I did it. Maybe I was now really aware that wherever I was there was danger for her. I was losing the best part of me, but I left knowing she was alive.


	4. Chapter 4

_This is the end of Matt's POV, but stay tuned for Kitty's POV which she insisted must come right after Matt's, We know better than to mess with a redhead. Thank you for all the kind reviews. It is always nice to know that you have touched people with your thoughts and words, or should I say Matt's words and thoughts. I hope you enjoy her words and thoughts also. Kitty and Matt are not simple people to understand but I had a lot of help trying to understand how this event affected their relationship. Many thanks to all of you, you know who you are. _

CHAPTER FOUR: A SECOND CHANCE

Back in Dodge Doc, Newly, and Festus tiptoed around me as I grumbled and picked at all of them. I wasn't in any mood to be introspective, but later they realized while I probably saw Kitty things did not go well. There was no way I was admitting that, if anything, the situation got worse by my presence.

No one knew that at midnight I walked down to the Long Branch, looked up at her window, dark and deserted, and ambled back to the stairs I had climbed so many times to visit my red-haired beauty. Sitting there I tried to only remember the good times, but inevitably the heartache began and I realized what I had lost.

A few nights after I returned I was pacing my office, unable to stay still. Festus came in rattling on about 17 chickens. I didn't want to yell at him, but he was getting on my last nerve. After he left I began to get ready for bed and the door opened again. Turning I began, "Festus I thought I told you…."

Then I heard the sexiest most sultry voice say, "Hello Cowboy," and shivers ran up my spine

As I turned there was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen standing in my doorway.

I thought I was sounding so calm as I said, "well I was beginning to wonder when you would be comin' back."

Instead of throwing herself into my arms as I hoped she asked, "what made you think I'd be comin' back?"

Then I said the second stupidest thing, "well, a lot of people around town missed you, Festus, Doc, Newly, an…"

Kitty smiled at me and I would have given her anything in that moment when she said with a knowing smile, "it's nice to be missed."

My mind was racing how could I get her to the Long Branch and really welcome her home. I guess I was going for the stupidity award because I explained feebly I didn't even have a drink to offer her."

She explained to me the Long Branch was all locked up but even if it wasn't it would be after hours. I told her I that I understood that the lady that owned that saloon had a lot of influence with the Marshal and he wouldn't mind if she opened up for them.

All I wanted to do is get her out of the jail, and inside those doors, but she stopped and sniffed the air letting me know how good it was being back home in Dodge. She took my arm and I wanted to sweep her up in my arms and head for the Long Branch. However, we took our time as several people were still on the streets.

It seemed like it took forever to get the doors open. Once we were safely inside I pulled her against me and kissed her in a way that let her know how much she was missed. When we came up for air she began, "Matt…."

Before she could say anymore, I threw her over my shoulder and headed up the steps to her bedroom. She must have been surprised and pleased because she said, "Matt!" and then started to laugh so hard I almost dropped her.

I probably should have gone slower, but I was so glad to have her against my body. I had her on top of our bed before I realized it. She wasn't complaining so I started undressing her. I had not felt this nervous since the first time we were together. As I fumbled around Kitty decided to take charge and help get us undressed.

Suddenly she stopped and decided it was time to talk about what had happened. I was so enthralled with her beauty and felt so much desire for her I was beyond listening. To make her point she bit my shoulder. My first thought was to take her over my knee, but I decided it wasn't such a great idea. I also remembered all the times she told me if I got too enthusiastic, she would have to cover up and my view would be greatly diminished. I did call her a "spitfire" and she was my little "Spitfire".

I knew the conversation was inevitable, but I was so glad to have her back in my life and especially my arms. All I wanted to do was make love to her. Well she wasn't giving in that easily. I have to admit I couldn't blame her, but it had been so long since we were together. I also had to confess I was afraid that this might be a temporary reprieve.

Selling the Long Branch seemed like it was so final. Besides I felt as I had lost half of myself. There is no one like Kitty. She had been through so many things with me and she was a tower of strength. I promised her, while covering her with kisses, we would talk after we finished what we were starting. I truly meant it, but I could see she was skeptical.

Just touching that silken hair and pulling those pins out so it cascaded down her back, kissing that silken skin, touching her hidden places, was driving me crazy. Then when she began kissing me from my shoulder down to my hardening manhood, I wanted her even more. In my mind there was no time at that point to start a serious conversation where you had to think and not just feel. All I wanted to do was feel her against me making love. I knew how happy I was to be with her, but the peaks were so intense all I wanted was to fall asleep. I KNEW, however, that was not happening. We did need to clear the air so we could move forward.

As I lay next to her I was so grateful to have her cuddling at my side I began to tell her all I had thought about on my long trip back from Ballard. I explained how discouraged I felt. I confessed to Kitty when she stood looking at me in front of the saloon and she made no move to come to me, and stupidly I didn't go to her, I was afraid it was too late to go back to what we had meant to each other. What I did hold in my heart was hope because she had warned me about the man behind me on the balcony. She still had to care a little.

During that long night, heading toward Dodge, I explained I had given a lot of thought to what life would be like if she was truly gone for good. I didn't want to really consider it. Half of me would be gone I told her, the best half of me would be gone. So, I had to make some hard decisions. I knew in my heart she hoped we could have a home and family. I didn't mention just then I had fingered a little charm in my pocket and said a prayer that she would come back to me.

Now here we were in our bed and had just made love. I didn't want to lose her, but I had to be truthful. I told her that I knew she wanted marriage and a family. I let her know I wasn't ready to hang up the badge just yet. I did promise to rely more on Festus and Newly and I would even start training Newly to take over my job. It was so vital that she knew there was hope and I wanted her to be my wife.

It was important that she be willing to wait for me to wrap up all the things in my career. I couldn't just walk away from it all. I acknowledged her fears for my safety and that I was trying to put myself in her place. That I now realized what it was to almost lose that which meant the most to you. I also promised to talk things over with her more, keep in touch with her when I was gone so she knew how things were going, and when I would be back. I was willing to do almost everything a man could do to keep her by my side until the day we would say our vows and be openly together.

I was ready to give this woman my body, my soul, my life, but when she asked if I REALLY could give all of it up for us to stay together, I knew there was something else I could do to convince her. I got up and went and got a ragged package out of my pants pockets. I took the torn cover off and handed her a box. I was shaking so bad I almost dropped it.

When she had trouble getting the top of the box off I knew she was nervous too. She just stared at the green velvet pouch for a moment and then carefully emptied it into her hand. As she just stared at the silver angel wing, I was afraid she didn't like it especially when the tears came. What a relief when she told me how happy it made her. Then I explained it was a necklace and a charm she could carry with her when I was gone. It was a promise for us that we would be together forever. I acknowledged there would be some danger, but I would always do my best to be careful.

Finally, she spoke and told me why she had come back. That people she cared about had made her look at things differently. I was quite surprised that my words to her made a difference too. In the end she had to decide if being apart was better than being together. How would she handle the next time she heard I was hurt or if, god forbid, Doc couldn't save me? What made me the happiest was that she wanted to be there next to me as I recovered. Even if she was angry and frightened doing it together was better than doing it alone.

We both had some compromises to make and I needed to be more aware of how deeply she cared for me that when I was hurt, she was hurting right along with me. That she worried about me was evident, but what touched me the most was that her love for me ran so deep that she had to run away to get away from the pain. Yet she realized that there would be pain no matter where she was living. In the end we both knew that whatever time we had left it was better to be together than have no more time at all.

After that incredible night of passion we fell asleep in each other's arms with the velvet pouch between us. I had not been that peaceful in many days.

THE NEXT MORNING

I thought I must have been snoring when Kitty nudged me awake. I was disoriented for a minute until she whispered in my ear that someone was in the Long Branch. We figured it was Sam but decided to remain as quiet as possible. A few minutes later we heard him leave.

We were relaxed and very comfortable in our warm bed, but Kitty knew Sam would be back. It was time to get dressed and be downstairs when he arrived. We dressed quickly and I was so touched when Kitty put the velvet pouch in her pocket.

Well it wasn't just Sam who arrived, but it was Doc, Festus, and Newly following him in the door. I soon realized he must have said Kitty was back because the boys were in a rush to get to her. She told them to get the coffee pot and bring it to the table. There was a scramble to see who could sit next to her.

They wanted to know when she got back, and she was cagey about her exact arrival. Of course, they wanted to know if she was home for good. It was a wonderful reunion and tactfully no one asked how I found out until Festus said he came looking for me that morning and I wasn't anywhere around.

Thinking fast I told him I was checking on the seventeen missing chickens. Before he could say anymore Doc got him out of the saloon. Newly left for his business and Kitty said she had accounts to go over with Sam. I decided to head back to the jail and look at my mail. As I was leaving I heard her tell Sam when they were through she would like to take a nice long bath. I knew where I was spending my late afternoon. As I walked back to my office the word had spread like wildfire that Kitty was home. I encouraged them to come to the Long Branch later that night. After all she needed to catch up on her rest.

Several hours later I headed for the saloon and as I got to the batwing doors Sam was coming from her room saying that was the last bucket of hot water. I changed course and went up the backstairs. I walked as quietly as possible and slipped my key into the lock. I could smell the fragrant waters as I walked in the door. I quickly undressed and walked in to see my beautiful Kitten soaking in deep steaming water.

I walked into the room and said, "Room Service how can I make your stay here unforgettable ma'am?" She looked me over, started to laugh, and crooked her finger-

Well a Marshall must always do his duty!


	5. Chapter 5

KITTY'S POV:THE BADGE

_So, here is Kitty's POV and I hope you enjoy it as much as you did Matt's. Again many, many, thanks to the people who helped make this a better story. I am so glad you are in my life and always ready to assist me down this road. You are the best!_

CHAPTER ONE: THE NIGHTMARE BEGINS; BLOOD ON THE BADGE

It was a gunshot, then another, and another. I grabbed my brown robe, jammed my feet into my slippers, and raced down the stairway of the Long Branch. Then more shots and I was sure my heart was trying to escape out of my chest as I hung onto the bannister. Then the eerie silence was even more frightening and I feared even opening the door.

Yet the worst was to come as I saw the town Marshal, Matthew Dillon, lying in the dirt and dust of Main Street on his stomach not moving. Everything began to blur, and I grabbed hold of the porch post so I wouldn't collapse as Doc came running. He was dead I was sure of it and I wanted to sit down on the porch, but I made my feet move so I was standing over him. When Doc finally said, "Festus take him up to my office," I had squatted down on one side of the big man. At last I felt I could take a breath.

As the men began to carry him away, as gently as possible, and the crowd started to move away I looked down at the place where he lay and saw his U.S. Marshal badge he wore so proudly. One of the bullets had hit it, denting it, and there was blood on the badge. I took it in my hand and noticed how light weight it felt and wondered if it had deflected the bullet just enough so once again, he would survive.

Slowly, completely exhausted, I walked up the steps to the good doctor's office. My feet carried me there instinctively as if I was in a daze. After all, this is where I went every time this happened. I opened the door to a scene I had seen too often, Matt on the operating table. On one side was Doc with a stethoscope around his neck ready to remove yet another bullet from the battered and scarred body. He kept telling Festus, on the other side of the table, to hold Matt still. It was a surreal scene. I felt as if I was watching as if in a dream then I was abruptly brought back to reality,

I can remember as clearly as if it was this morning how I jumped and winced as Doc dropped the offending piece of metal into the metal basin. I had the filthy badge with his life's blood on it still cradled in my hands. I didn't say a word, I couldn't say anything I just dropped it on the desk and walked out. There was a crowd asking questions, but I couldn't speak it would take too much energy. It would also bring back the horror I had just experienced.

In a fog I walked back to my saloon, walked behind the bar and poured a good stiff glass of whiskey. Doc walked in as I could feel the liquid burning its way down my throat. Oh, he told me he knew this was harder on me than anyone, and he promised Matt would recover just fine, but this time I would not be 'just fine'. I guess he felt his reassuring words was all I needed. After all weren't they usually?

My words, "what about next time Doc, what can you promise me about that?" hung in the air like unexploded bombs. I turned and made my way upstairs the tears choking my throat. I could not go back to sleep and I sat in almost a catatonic state looking out the window until the sun was rising. I knew Matt was still alive since no one came knocking on my door.

When I finally laid down I fell into a deep sleep but still woke up exhausted. I needed to make some decisions, but I didn't have the strength that first day. No one would ever know how I ached to go to him. I had always been there beside his bed just waiting for him to open up his gorgeous blue eyes and that smile told me how glad he was I was there. I wondered what he was thinking.

The fact that he did not call out for me; asked no one to come get me made my decision easier but no less painful. I made the decision to put the Long Branch up for sale and leave Dodge for good. I still don't know how I kept my composure from the devastation in Sam's eyes. He was my faithful friend as well as employee. Sam even went and bought me a one-way ticket to visit my friend, Claire Hollis, in Ballard, Kansas.

Thoughts of Matt and our relationship kept me awake for hours in the days before I left. The day I first saw him, our first real date, the first night we made love over and over, trips we took, and how much he loved and protected me. Yet I couldn't just sit and wait for the day he never returned or was shot right out on Front Street and Doc couldn't fix it or him.

That brought back thoughts of the Gore Gang. They had taken over the town and we felt helpless; especially Matt. He looked for a chance to escape, to save the town and was shot four times. Doc said he was dead. I didn't really remember anything after that until I was taken reluctantly back to the Long Branch by Doc. There hunched over in a chair, a gun hanging by his side, was my whole life, my reason for being. I only thought of getting to him as fast as possible, but my feet didn't seem to want to move fast enough. Then I was kneeling beside him and embraced him. I couldn't believe he was alive, and no one ever felt so good.

After that I felt I could withstand anything, as long as he was alive. However, the shootings, the injuries, never stopped and it took its toll. The dedication to the job always came first. I could not stand to see him lying in the dirt, bruised, bleeding, half alive. I had to make a decision and it was to go away even if my heart was breaking into a million pieces.


	6. Chapter 6

THE DEPARTURE: CHAPTER TWO KITTY'S POV

I have faced some terrible situations in my life but seeing Sam, Doc, Festus, and Newly standing in my beloved Long Branch as I was about to depart was heart wrenching. I knew in my heart they hoped I would change my mind. No one would know the hours I had spent going back and forth over my decision. Then I would close my eyes and see the man I loved lying in the dirt and dust injured once more his life, and mine, hanging in the balance.

Moving slowly toward the batwing doors, I was so sure I would never cross again, I shook hands with Newly, kissed my dear sweet Festus, and even when Doc began to urge me to stay, I couldn't even hug him goodbye. If I did, this man who was the closest thing to a father I had even known, I would have fallen apart.

Outside holding the stagecoach door was another Sam, our favorite coach driver. He smiled at me, but it was such a sad smile. I softly asked him to wait just a few more minutes and he graciously agreed. I stood for a moment and looked up at Doc's office. I was pushing myself to make one step after another until I was standing in front of Doc's back door.

I swallowed hard and knocked while my heart seemed to beat so loudly, I was afraid I would collapse. He looked forlorn lying there and my first instinct was to brush his curls back from his forehead but his words, "I was wonderin' if you were coming to say goodbye," stiffened my spine.

My words, "I was wonderin' too," gave me the strength to leave. The hardest part was holding back the tears. Once outside I took a firm grip on Doc's railing. I tried not to look at the crowd that gathered to see me off and I just hoped I didn't look as upset as I felt. My driver was such a big help as he helped up into the coach his hand lying softly but firmly on my back and arm.

As I settled in the coach I didn't dare to wave or even turn around as I was afraid, they would see my tears. Behind me lay people and a town I loved, and it was a wrenching experience saying good-bye to the dirty dusty town as I called it. The worst thing was that when I imagined leaving Dodge it was as Mrs. Matthew Dillon and to start a new life. That dream was quickly fading for any type of future with the big man.

My coach driver had been around Dodge for as long as I had and maybe longer. I don't always have the best luck when traveling by stage, but I always feel so at ease when he is the driver. I do have to admit that I was very surprised that he had gotten special permission to drive that day. He was the one who would make sure I made it safely, this time, to my destination. My driver was a big man, although he was not as big as Matt, and Sam was tough on the outside, but so much like a warm marshmallow on the inside.

For the last few months he had been pining over one of my girls, Mae. She was a small redhead but as feisty as we can be. She was giving him a run for his money but there was always a glint in her eyes when he walked through those batwing doors. There was something special about this couple and I would tease her that she knew just what to do to keep him coming back for more. She told me in confidence she would keep him running until he caught her. To me they are a match made in heaven. I'm sure if Mae has any say it will work out just fine for them.

It was late when we arrived in Ballard and I was hot and tired. All I wanted was a hot meal, a cup of hot coffee, and a warm bed. My friend, Claire came rushing out to meet me and I was welcomed with a big hug. With her blond hair and fair skin, she was as pretty as I remembered. She seemed to glad to see me and hopefully I could settle down here away from the pain of being in Dodge and constantly afraid for the man I loved.

When he brought in my baggage and came to say goodbye Sam told me, "We'll sure miss you Miss Kitty. When you are ready to come home you contact the stage line and I'll come get you."

Tears pricked the back of my eyes and I took his hands as I told him sadly, "I'm afraid that isn't going to happen, but I thank you very much."

He squeezed my hands too, "Well you just remember that." He cleared his throat and went on, "I better be gettin' on my way.

As he walked away it was as if my life in Dodge was walking away too. Yet I turned toward Claire sitting at a table with a welcoming bottle of whiskey. She poured a healthy measure as I sat down, and she immediately asked what had happened in Dodge.

I tried to explain, actually leaving out the personal matters, saying I needed a change. When she started to bring up Matt and out relationship it was all I could do to not break down. Hastily I pleaded fatigue and said all I needed was a good night sleep. Immediately Claire was sympathetic and directed me to my room.

Once there I washed quickly, got into a nightgown, and opened a window. When I closed my eyes I saw Matt's face as he lie in that bed. I was sure that now I would not be able to fall asleep. I was surprised when it was loud voices that awakened me and it was still dark out. I crept out to the hallway and saw Claire having an argument with the local sheriff.

I waited until the sheriff had left, and then I confronted my friend. I was not happy not with the way he had manhandled Claire. Asking her what the trouble was I found out about a man called Papa Steiffer. It was he who was the town's so-called protector, savior, and ran everything. I was determined he would not run me.

As I quietly hurried back to bed, I hoped it was a personal matter and not any problems like I faced in Dodge. At least there wasn't a big, stubborn, handsome U.S. Marshal here to break my heart. I had run far enough away to put Dodge behind me, or so I thought.

Oh, was I wrong!


	7. Chapter 7

KITTY 3

_The reviews have been great, and I want each of you to know how much I appreciate them. I wanted to thank each of you personally, but life has gotten in the way. One thing I wanted to explain. I tried to show how we make decisions about how we feel about things and how it changes in different situations. As time goes by and as circumstances change so do we. Kitty was so sure that leaving would allow her to put Dodge and her Marshal behind. Yet what we run to can be the same or worse than where we were before. We can't run away from ourselves. Both of our favorite characters were made aware of that fact. Maybe if Matt had not come after her it may have taken her longer to realize he wasn't just a part of her but her life. By retracing your steps, so often, you can find just what it is you truly desire. _

CHAPTER THREE: BATLLES IN BALLARD

It wasn't long before the sheriff informed me that Papa was requesting a meeting with me. That was just fine because I planned to let him know just where I stood. The meeting didn't go well and I realized he thought I had been sent down there by Matt. I was not going to dignify that with an answer.

Later I asked Claire if there had been any problems due to my unpleasant meeting with Papa. As she was answering I heard the batwing doors open and I was stunned to see Matt walking through the opening. My back stiffened and not just because he was the last person I wanted to see. My heart was pounding so hard, I felt dizzy, and I was not going to faint into his arms.

I set the tone immediately by asking him what he was doing here in Ballard. He said he had business South of there. So, I wanted to know if he was just passing through. He gave a vague answer of, "something like that."

Matt was introduced to Claire and when she was called away he tried to tell me it was a rough town and I assured him it wasn't anything we couldn't handle. That is when the trouble started over the poker game. As usual Matt got right in the middle of it. I knew it was a frame up right from the start.

As soon as things quieted down Matt wanted to know if we were in trouble. Again I told him we could handle it all. I wanted him to go away so I could think straight. His words and concerns were so simple and tender I almost gave into him but pictures of him bleeding in the street flashed through my mind and I bit my lip and clenched my fists to stop from throwing myself at him.

He finally walked away, and Claire told me here was the first decent man to come into town and I was sending him away. I told her we didn't need him, but oh I did need him. I needed to be in his arms and to feel his lips on mine and telling me it would be alright. He would take care of everything. Yet that old fear rose up and I couldn't imagine going through watching him fighting for his life again.

I should have known it couldn't be that simple when the next thing I heard was that he was in jail for attacking a young girl. Immediately I knew Steiffer had set it up. Matt would never do anything like that. So, I went on the attack and marched over to that slime's home office. I was loaded for bear and of course I had to save my man from his own noble intentions.

Planning to not give in I stormed the place asking over and over what he wanted. He wanted to cow me, to have power over me, and make me call him "Papa". I felt the bile rise up in my throat and nearly spit out the words. As difficult as it was to give in Matt's freedom was what was most important. Unfortunately, that was not the end of it.

I was sitting in my bedroom just waiting for the next shoe to fall and it didn't take long. There was Matt knocking on my door. I told him to come in but wasn't prepared for him chiding me for giving in to Steiffer. He made it very clear that I had upset his plans to get rid of the robber baron and his minions.

All I wanted was for him to leave so I wouldn't end up begging him to stay. I thought I acted cool and collected as I told him to leave and go about his business. He informed me despite what I asked he was not leaving. I was shaking as I followed him to the door and said, "I didn't come all the way down here to see you lying in the street with a bullet in you….I"

Before I could say anything more he interrupted me asking, If I had ever watered a drink, run a crooked table, or rolled a drunk?

Of course I protested and said no and when he asked why I replied, "because I'm proud of what I stand for, I 'm…..". That stopped me and all he did was look at me meaningfully before walking away without a further word. I was stunned as he had cut to the heart of the matter and it shook me to my core. Before I could really think about what just happened something told me to follow him outside.

There was Steiffer waiting and it felt like a set up. I was right and when the old man took off his hat as if in a signal I turned and saw a man with a rifle behind my man. I didn't even think I just yelled, "Matt, behind ya, the balcony."

Matt shot the man on balcony and the sheriff came and took Papa to jail. Matt and I looked at each other for a long moment and then he turned and walked away. My eyes were stinging, and tears were choking my throat and I fought it with all my might. Clair came out and put an arm around me and led me back inside so I wouldn't have to watch this man I loved with all my heart ride away. How ironic that a few minutes before I was telling him to go and yet I desperately wanted him to stay

That night was one of the worst I ever had. Oh, I had been mad before, left, and told Matt and his damn badge where they could go. Then I had always gone back but I had never before put the Long Branch up for sale. It seemed so final, and I had bought half interest in Claire's saloon.

The dream had been just awful. I was back in Dodge and Matt was lying there, in the street, bleeding. Festus, Newly, Doc, Claire, and Papa Steiffer were there standing over his limp prone body. I tried to rush to comfort him, but it was as if an invisible barrier kept me away. They all laughed at him as I desperately called Matt's name. I kept hearing the words over and over, "we don't want you here." The more I begged and pleaded the more they laughed.

When I awoke sweating and crying I knew I had some deep thinking to do. How would I feel if I stayed in Ballard and read he had been hurt again? What if they didn't think he would live? Could I just sit back wait for news? Who would be there to help him recover? Was not knowing better than standing there as Doc tried to save him? Could I truly believe I would not care or not hurt? So far away, who would I turn to when all those I loved and who loved and supported me were in Dodge?

When I had seen the man behind him on the balcony, I had not wasted a moment in warning Matt. I could call it instinct but all I thought was he is mine and if I can help it no one is going to hurt him; no one but me. I was sure I had hurt him, but he also took it for granted I would be there making him feel better. Yet he also had come to get me and that had not happened before. I loved him so much but watching him fight for his life was so painful.

What if the worst did happen? Once again I remembered how I felt when the Gore Gang invaded our town and Matt was shot four times. How could I forget Doc looking at me and saying, "there is nothing more I can do?"

I had felt as if I had ceased to exist, I was numb. Never again would I feel his arms around me; his lips would not touch mine and create sensations I had never felt with any other man. When I walked into that Saloon and saw him sitting there all I wanted to do was touch him, hold him, and hear his voice say, "It's going to be alright Kitty."

In the morning as I slowly made my way downstairs I must have looked awful. I hadn't put on any make-up and my hair was down. Claire was sitting at a table with a coffee pot and steak and eggs. Trying to lighten the mood she had said, "it is about time I was afraid the food would get cold."

We didn't talk much as we ate but as we poured that last cup of coffee Claire got up and walked over to the bar. When she came back she put a money order in front of me. I had asked her what that that was for.

Calmly she explained it was my down payment for our partnership and her words, "it is time to go home Kitty," surprised me.

I started to protest but she held up her hand and with a smile clarified, "he came for you Kitty, he came for you. He loves you and it is so obvious you love him. Are you going to sit here and give up any chance for happiness?"

Trying to state my case I tried to explain how hard it was on me to watch him struggle between life and death as it tore my heart to pieces. "I thought getting away was the answer. That I could make myself forget. Then there he was walking through the doors. I was even more confused. I had to wonder how much I could stand."

She was sympathetic and touched my hand. Yet she went on to remind me how many people we cared for we had lost. "He was here and looking very handsome. You have to decide if what you can have right here is enough. Realize if you stay will you worry every time you read an out of town paper is there news of his death.

To say I was shaken is an understatement. Then she told me again how obvious it was I loved him, and he loved me. Did I know how lucky I was to have a love like that when so many would trade places with me in a minute?

Claire wasn't forcing me out the door, but she wanted me to honestly look at the alternatives. Steiffer, was in jail and his band of goons, those that hadn't escaped, were behind bars too. Ballard was going to be a different town but there was no Festus, Newly, Sam, Doc, and most of all Matt. All these men would lay down their lives for me.

By the end of the day I began realizing how empty it was without Matt walking through the batwing doors. I was actually missing Doc and Festus picking at each other. I might never again see that wonderful smile from Sam, but most of all to never hear, "see you later Kitty," once more. I had my answer. It was time to go home, to head for Dodge.

I sent word to my friendly driver Sam that I needed a ride back home and by the following day we were on our way. There was little time to rest on the way back, but Sam's big smile when he took my bags to the coach and him telling me how much I was missed made it all worthwhile. I had decided not to let anyone know I was coming back, and I couldn't wait to see the look on Matt's face.

Very late that night I opened the jailhouse door and using my sexiest voice I said, "Hello Cowboy."

At least I wasn't disappointed as he greeted me in typical Matt fashion saying, "I was wondering when you were coming back." Of course. I had seen that momentary startled look and the light in his eyes as he spoke. With Matt Dillon you had to notice every look, gesture, and tone of voice.

Of course, I couldn't let that pass and replied, "what made you think I would be coming back?"

I saw him swallow hard as he nearly stumbled over, "Well a lot of folks missed you, Festus, Doc, Newly…." What had I expected? That he would drag me back to a cell to welcome me back? Although I wouldn't have said no.

It was as if I could see his brain racing as he made an excuse to get me down to the Long Branch. I could count on one hand the number of times he had offered me a drink in the jail. If the truth was to be told I was anxious to find a safe place for us to have our reunion.

Arm in Arm we walked down to the saloon and once I got the door open I remembered Sam was staying there. Yet the place seemed deserted. I called out but there was no answer. So, I went to the bar, pulled out a bottle of rye, and two glasses. The Marshall just stood looking at me trying to figure out what to do next.

I didn't have long to wait. Kissing me so passionately my knees were weak, he flipped me over his shoulder, grabbed the bottle, and we headed upstairs. There was no doubt what he had in mind.


	8. Chapter 8

_As we come to the end of this journey let me thank you again for the wonderful and insightful reviews. I also wanted to let you know an inciteful and amazing man has suggested POVs on Matt's Love Affair and Kitty's Love Affair. So, in the future, look for more thoughts from our favorite Dodge couple._

CHAPTER FOUR: CLEARING THE AIR

I was lying on top of my bed before I really knew what was happening and very impatient fingers were helping me to undress. I didn't think this was the time to laugh but his fumbling almost brought more than a smile. I finally said, "here let me help," and he seemed relieved.

Once I was down to my petticoats, I began unbuttoning his shirt. As I pulled and pushed that shirt off all I wanted was to kiss his chest upward and downward. I was able to control myself, but I noticed he shivered at my touch. Matt started on my hair he had told me he loved it tumbling down. So, I buried my face in his broad chest and let him pull out the hair pins. As he made sure they were all out he massaged my head which felt like heaven.

He whispered in my ear, "I missed you."

It had worked before to get him out of trouble, but it wasn't going to be so easy this time. We really needed to clear the air. A tumble in bed was not going to do it for me, THIS TIME. I should have known it wouldn't be that easy. He is one wonderful lover, giving and caring. If you never had to leave the bedroom life could be perfect, but real life always intrudes.

I tried to say I missed him too, but it was difficult as he kept raining kisses on my face, lips, neck, and further down. It was one of those stop/don't stop moments. Before I knew it we were both naked. The heat from our bodies increased and the movement of his hands went right along with everything else. Then I placed my hands on his body and pulled him closer and he actually caught his breath.

When I bit his shoulder he exclaimed, "you little spitfire!" I hadn't drawn blood, but he would have a mark to cover like I had to do when he got too frisky.

At least I had his attention and I told him, "Matt we need to have a talk."

That only stopped him momentarily as he ran his hands across my breasts, and he had my attention. "I am serious."

He stopped, propped himself up on his elbow, kissed my nose and explained, "let me welcome you home properly and I promise then we will talk."

I admit I hesitated he could be quite convincing in that position, 'I'm holding you to it. I don't want to hear you are too exhausted we will talk in the morning.'

He grinned at me and I steeled myself against that charm he could exude when needed. I remember warning him he would be sorry if he just rolled over and went to sleep.

"No rounds tonight," he murmured, "Festus did them so I'm all yours."

It would have been so easy to just enjoy being back with him, one thing we were very good at was making love. One thing he was not so good at was communicating with words. This was too important to not come to some understanding, but it became much more difficult as he caressed me knowing all the right spots.

I decided to go for it and reminded him, "Matt you know how important it is to clear the air."

When he pulled back from me and said, "Kitty I have done some thinking too. I don't want to lose you. When you left I felt like my right arm had been cut off."

Then I took his handsome face between the palms of my hands and kissed him with all the passion that had building up since the last time we were together. "I love you too Matthew Dillon," I whispered, and I proceeded to show him in every way I knew how.

When he finally told me, breathlessly, he couldn't wait any longer I did everything to help our mutual joining be more fulfilling than ever before. I think that we were so glad we were both alive and together each movement, each stroke, reminded us of what we almost lost. As we climbed that precipice of mutual satisfaction all I could do was moan softly and call his name. Each time I did it was as if I was reaffirming that we were really here together once again. I had been fooling myself when I thought I could do without this, because this man and our time together was my lifeblood.

Matt was breathing heavy as he rolled to the side but didn't lose touch with our bodies. He looked at me and I could have sworn there were tears in his eyes. He ran a fingertip over my lips and told me, "I was afraid we would never be like this again."

I was temporarily speechless. I just looked at him. He went on, "as I rode home, I did some serious thinking about why you might have left for good this time. I didn't like my conclusions."

Running my fingers through the curls on his chest I asked with apprehension, "Are you ready to talk about what you decided?"

His answer was surprising, "I think we should, don't you?"

I started to laugh as I told him, "it is difficult to concentrate with you stroking my leg."

He started to pull his hand away, but I stopped him saying, "I'll survive."

"It is interesting you would say that." He told me, "because I realized I couldn't survive without you. I know Doc thought I was a dang fool but after I watched you ride away I stumbled back to bed."

"You watched me leave?" I asked in wonder.

"Yes, from Doc's window. I thought, foolishly then, it was the best thing for you,"

My next question was, "what changed your mind?"

"Kitty there were no cool hands on my fevered brow, no one was scolding me about being careful, no red hair that blazes like a sunset, and blue eyes that sparkle with love sat beside my bed. I never felt so alone," he informed me.

I remember telling him I was overwhelmed. He said, 'that is what I figured out too but not in the way you mean. There was all the calamities you have gone through with me. How often you soothed my weary soul. I just accepted it and didn't realize how it worked on your very soul and spirit. Yet you were there always with open arms and encouraging words'

Looking at that handsome face so serious I could feel tears coming close to the surface. "Matt…." I began, "Matt I…."

He grinned at me and confessed, "I know it felt like my life was over, I would be a shell of a man without you. The boys will tell you I was kinda' grumpy."

Then I had to laugh. "You were kind of grumpy?"

"It's not funny," he accused. "If they had known I was coming to get you they would have given me the very devil."

I just looked at that poor deluded man. "Matt," I began, "they knew, after you left where they thought you were going. I got a telegram from Doc asking me if you had ever arrived there."

"That old saw bones!" He exclaimed, "he's never said a word since I got back."

I kissed his lips to soothe him and then went on, "he was worried about both of us."

"Yeah I suppose," he admitted.

Then I wrapped my arms around him and just held him. As his hands crept around me, I felt him begin to relax. "So, what else did you realize?"

He looked at me with those incredible blue eyes and said, "I realized Miss Russell, I don't want a life that in which you are not a part. That there will have to be major compromises for both of us."

Holding my breath for his next words I was stunned when he began, "There have to be some changes in my job.

At that point he sat up and pulled me up with him. He leaned forward and kissed my forehead and started to speak, "I am not ready to take off my badge yet, but it is time for you to understand why I make certain decisions. I need to stay in touch with you as much as possible where I am, what is happening, and when I will be back. In other words, I am asking you to be my wife but without the license, for now."

"Matt I thought…...!"

He held up his hand. "Kitty, I want you to know there is a future for us. I can't promise it will be next month or a year from now, but I guess what I am trying to say I don't want you just as my woman. You are the only woman, and in my life that means I don't just give you my body, but my thoughts, soul, heart, and all my love. I won't lie there will be danger, but I promise I will be more careful and begin to really depend more on Festus and Newly. In fact, I am thinking of putting Newly in training to take over for me."

I was stunned as I asked, "Matt do you really think you can give up this crusade to make the world better?"

"As Doc has said so many times," he explained, "I could leave now, and no one would think less of me. I am not quite ready yet, but let's not give up hope."

I looked at him mystified at what was he saying. Then he got up and went over to where he had dropped his pants and began going through the pockets. I was definitely intrigued as he took off ripped and torn wrapping off a small object

"The last time I was in Hayes I went into a mercantile and I found something I wanted to save for a special occasion and your coming home is more special than anything," he explained.

Matt's hand was shaking as he held out the box, and my hands were shaking as I took hold of the small box. I had a hard time getting the top off the box, but once I did inside was a small emerald green velvet pouch. I untied it and turned it over into my hand. There lay a perfect silver angel's wing. Tears begin flow down my face.

He sat down next to me and wiped away my tears. "Don't be angry Kitty," he begged.

I took his hand and said, "I'm not angry, I'm so touched."

"You know," he said you can wear it as a necklace or as a charm you can carry with you. I have one too. I had it in my pocket all the way to Ballard and back. I hoped it would bring good luck and bring you back to me."

My first instinct was to throw myself into his arms and kiss him all over, but we still had some talking to do. I began by saying, "Matt, there are some things I need to say to you."

He drew back slightly as I began, "I have done a lot of thinking too on the way home. Claire talked to me and reminded me that anyone who is looking at us could see how much we love each other. She also reminded me how rare that is to find. Then I did a lot of thinking about our last conversation and you got your point across very well. I was looking at all the bad things about your job, and not the dedication and pride you take in what you do."

He slipped his arm around me and inquired, "and that is what made you decide to come back?"

"Yes and no. What sealed the deal was a talk I had with the coach driver Sam," I explained. "We stopped at a way station to change horses and use the facilities. We were the only ones there and he told me how much I was missed. He went on to say he heard I was angry with you. Although he said maybe it wasn't his place to say anything, I encouraged him to go on. He said that he admired the fact that we were still together and strong despite all the things that had happened. He added that he and Mae admired us and had been talking about getting hitched. What really caught my attention was when he said that LOVE was so powerful around us and he was sure that is what helped us to survive. He wanted to do the same for Mae."

My big strong Marshal asked, "he really said all that to you?"

"Oh, he was nervous and felt he was overstepping a bit, but it seemed more important to have his opinion heard. I would say Mae is a pretty lucky girl. I know he will be getting a wonderful helpmate, and it will never be dull."

As I finished the big man looked at me and had a slight smile on his face as he asked, "so Kitty do you think you are ready for what our future holds?"

I sighed, I hesitated a few moments and finally answered honestly. "I'll never feel comfortable seeing you beaten, shot, or stabbed. I'll always feel what happened to you also happened to me. Yet, I don't want someone else sitting beside you as you recover. I missed the town I once thought I would never want to live in, but if you ever got hurt again, I didn't want to get the news in a faraway place. You see Matt I realized what I felt would not be any less intense there than right here in Dodge."

He kissed me then passionately and when I lay in his arms, I had to admit to myself, that for better or worse, being with this man made going through the good and bad manageable. No matter how much I hoped he would leave the badge behind all the things I had fallen in love with is what made this incredible man who he was. Matt Dillon, was a soul of incredible integrity and compassion hoping to make our world a better place to live."

Falling asleep in each other's arms, the green velvet pouch with the angel's wings between us I thought of the words "for better, for worse."

THE NEXT MORNING

It seemed we had only been asleep a few hours when we awakened to hear someone downstairs. I whispered in Matt's ear, "it's Sam maybe he will go away."

He had whispered back, "he has to know someone is here."

Miraculously we heard the front door close. I checked my watch and saw it was after noon.

I lay there for a few minutes feeling secure in his arms. When I finally spoke, I told him that Sam would be back and we probably should be presentable. We were reluctant to leave our warm bed but knew there would be some questions as to why I was back, and the Marshal was nowhere to be seen.

When Sam finally returned, it was with Doc, Festus and Newly. They were so excited to see me, and I felt the same about them. It was obvious from their surprise, if Sam suspected what was going on, he had said nothing. He was an employee and friend to be treasured. I let him know that with a big hug and kiss.

Thankfully, Matt and I were dressed and presentable by the time they got there since there were so many questions. It started to break up when Matt went back to the office with Festus telling him he had stopped by the office earlier to go to breakfast and he was not around.

I had to laugh when Matt told him he was out checking on some chickens. Doc left for the Roniger's to check one of the boy's broken leg and Newly for his shop. I had books to go over with Sam and then a nice hot bath and maybe a Cowboy could join me.

As the day was winding down and I stepped into that steaming water I felt I was home again. Then there was the sound of the key in the door. A big man came in my water closet calling my name and he was as naked as the day he was born. I crooked a little finger and he almost tripped over himself getting to the tub. I just had to laugh. Then suddenly all was right with my world. The future would have to take care of itself, right now HE was in my arms.

THE END


End file.
